Systematically Airborne

Well, I’m airborne. Once again, I made it onto the plane before takeoff. I’m just as amazed every time this happens. And it’s all thanks to my system. Over the course of about 20 or so transatlantic flights the last decade and a half, I have developed a unique system for the ultimate travel experience. I have fine-tuned it to the point where it gets me on the airplane almost every time, often with several minutes to spare. I’d say there’s a good 92% chance I’ll make it onto the plane using this system.

Now, you may think nothing short of 100% is even worth it, but why get so hung up in that little 8%? Why not just acknowledge that the glass is way more than half full. 92% sure beats 49%, or even 76%. Besides, you can always make up that 8% in extra adventures, which inevitably follow in the wake of missed flights.

It all begins with planning.

Months ago, as the trip started taking shape in my head, ideas and images of what I wanted it to look like swirled around in my mind for a while, waiting to be recorded in detail at a later date, like an artist’s sketch containing a few simple lines, an under-drawing to be filled out with color and well-defined shapes as the artwork develops. I purchased my airline tickets early, before they went up in price. Now, all I had to do was wait for the basic idea of the trip to crystallize into crisp detail of train schedules, bus routes, hostel prices and bookings. It didn’t. See, the beauty of my system is that it doesn’t rely heavily on planning at all. All it takes is basic idea, swirling around in beautiful, free form. Rick Steves already took care of the rest.

Step One
Now, when preparing to get on an airplane, it is important to get as little sleep as possible the night before travel. This ensures optimum in-flight relaxation and sleeping ability. You achieve this by waiting to pack until as late as possible that evening if you have a morning flight. When you start packing, go at it at a slow, methodical pace, checking off your list which you have previously created, laying everything out as neatly as possible, until you get so sleepy you simply cannot stay awake any longer. This is remedied by setting your alarm for as early as possible the next morning – I recommend four hours from when you go to sleep – so you are properly sleep deprived, yet have ample time to finish packing in the morning.

Step Two
Ignore your alarm for about an hour or so, to make sure you stay sharp when you do get up. Work at an increasingly frantic pace throughout morning to ensure the proper winding up of your nerves. In the end, disregard all your meticulous organization from the night before, and throw everything into your suitcase whichever way it fits. Leave your house at the latest possible moment.

Step Three
If at all possible, you should get into an argument with the person who volunteered to take you to the airport. Since he is taking you, chances are you two are close, and this will provide a good opportunity to test your friendship. Such a fight can easily be achieved by telling him to focus on his driving (i.e. drive faster) instead of making pleasant conversation with you, which clearly is distracting him from the task at hand. If you keep criticizing his driving, chances are he will feel compelled to defend his actions, at which point you are properly justified to yell at him at the top of your lungs. The argument is an important part of the system. It serves the purpose of enabling you to blow off steam, allowing any travel jitters to escape thoroughly, and hopefully prove that your friendship with the driver can withstand a reasonable amount of nervous tension.

Step Four
You arrive at the airport cleansed of any nervousness. Now it is time for inventory control. If you played your cards right during the frenetic portion of your packing earlier in the morning, your bag is about 10 lbs overweight, since you made the last-minute decision of combining all your luggage into one large suitcase instead of two smaller ones. This is a good thing, because it gives you the opportunity to go through your things one more time, this time with an audience, ensuring top quality of inspection. As this is a regular part of the system, you have an extra bag handy in your suitcase, and expertly reconfigure your belongings into two checked bags instead of one.

Step Five
Due to the proper execution of Step Three, your mind is now in a tranquil state of calm. You meander through airport security at your own relaxed pace, and not even your offensive lack of a pedicure is enough to rattle the security personnel as you expose your feet. They do ask you to take off your belt, but you get to keep the rest of your clothing intact. You arrive at the gate about 3 minutes before boarding time… plenty of time to get yourself some breakfast, which you eat with relish while groups 1, 2, 3, and 4 board before you.

When you get your seat and the woman who sits down next to you is very large and extremely chatty, it doesn’t even faze you. You simply wrap your airline blanket around you, jot down some notes as to the success of your travel system, and realize you’re going to Scandinavia with nothing long-sleeved to protect from the chill of the evenings… and mornings… and days. This doesn’t matter, you are a tough Viking. You can handle the chill. Also, you didn’t bring your allergy medication. This is fine. Chances are, your allergies won’t flare up while you’re over there. I’d say it’s about an 8% chance.

With all these things worked out, you lean your seat back and fall into a deep, deep sleep, which lasts until you land in Chicago… the ultimate way to spend the fist leg of an international trip. Like I said, this system works!