Now And Then

As another year comes to a close, I reflect on the past, try to live in the present, while looking to the future.

Then, when I was younger, I wore thick glasses – it defined how others saw me. Now I wear contact lenses – and I define how I see the world.
Then I was hopelessly running constantly late. Now I am constantly running hopelessly late.
Then I read a lot. Now I read a lot.
Then I wrote letters, then emails. Now I wrte txt msgs.
Then I was gawky and long-limbed. Now I’m long-limbed and less gawky.
Then I held people at arm’s length. Now I work to shorten my arms.
Then I knew nothing of intimacy. Now I have known true intimacy.
Then I had not fully loved. Now I love deeply.
Then I had no limitations. Now I’ve found out I have limits – and decided to ignore them as best I can.
Then I knew what I wanted. Now I am discovering what I want.
Then I knew I could do anything. Now I’m learning I can do whatever is in my heart.
Then I knew I was strong. Now I am finding out I am still here.

Now and then I see life as inconsistent and unfair. Now and then I feel strongly. Now and then I wish emotions didn’t exist. Now and then I am grateful to have felt deeply. Now and then I fail. Now and then I love truly.

I had a chance at my sister’s life once. I turned it down. The stable, secure, predictable life with a house, a Volvo and three children evenly distributed that I saw in that future was not for me. I don't despise it. It is a beautiful life. It was right for her, but it wasn’t what I wanted then, and it isn’t what I want now. I chose a life of unpredictable adventure, and I went and I found it. I wanted to escape the mundane, and I did. Many years later I tried to make my life into hers. It wasn’t right for me so it didn’t work. It is not who I am. I have the life that I chose, and it is what I want – now, and then. For that, I am grateful.

Submitted for Sunday Scribblings: Now and Then